In between fending off more accusations of abuse, linking pedophilia to homosexuality and doing damage control, the Vatican found the time to take on another very important matter: They have forgiven The Beatles for being, well, The Beatles.
“It’s true, they took drugs; swept up by their success, they lived dissolute and uninhibited lives,” said the paper. “They even said they were more famous than Jesus,” it said, recalling John Lennon’s 1966 comment that outraged many Catholics and others.
“But, listening to their songs, all of this seems distant and meaningless,” [Vatican newspaper] L’Osservatore said. “Their beautiful melodies, which changed forever pop music and still give us emotions, live on like precious jewels.”
Forty years after their breakup, I’m sure the two remaining Beatles – who probably have been having such a hard time living with the Vatican’s shunning – are shouting Hallelujah.
Or perhaps not. At least Ringo doesn’t seem to be overwhelmed by the news:
“Didn’t the Vatican say we were satanic or possibly satanic — and they’ve still forgiven us? I think the Vatican, they’ve got more to talk about than the Beatles.”
Indeed. I mean, if the lyrics were Satanic back then, surely they are still Satanic. Or has the Vatican changed their Rock Music Will Make Satan Swallow Your Soul guidelines? This all gets so confusing. I know the Vatican is trying to make us think it’s all about the music and not the content, but it’s all kind of silly to say “This song has heretical undertones but gosh that medley is so pretty, we’ll forget that it’s about sex and drugs. Just hum along. Listen to the pretty piano. Never mind what Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds is supposed to be about.” And does everyone get a free pass? Do other satanic, evil songs get forgiven because they’ve got a great beat? Sure, Ozzy bit the heads off of animals and backward masked satanic messages into his songs (just play along here) but damn, those early Sabbath songs had some quality beats. Forgiven!
I mean, Pope Benedict himself called rock music a work of the devil and even singled out specific bands – including the Beatles – as being instruments of Satan. Does the official Vatican newspaper not see eye to eye with the Pope himself? I can just hear the infighting now:
“I told you rock music is bad! How can you forgive the Beatles? What are we going to tell Led Zeppelin’s people when they call?”
“Well, we can forgive them, too.”
“Are you kidding me? Stairway to Heaven is an awful song. Maybe if we also forgive the Eagles people will leave us alone.”
“I don’t think even the Eagles forgive the Eagles for some of their songs, your Holiness.”
Then again, what do we expect from an entity lists David Crosby and Oasis among their favorite albums?
We can be nice about this and just say it was awful sweet of the Vatican to suddenly, out of nowhere and for no reason whatsoever collectively woke up one day and said “Hey, let’s forgive the Beatles!” Or we can think that this was some attempt at a Jedi Mind Trick (why yes, I always capitalize Jedi Mind Trick, just like I capitalize The Force), that with a wave of their Beatles-forgiving hand the sex abuse scandal(s) would be swept away into the cornfield, forgotten about as we all dance merrily to Strawberry Fields Forever, knowing that we will no longer go to hell for it.
I’m going with the latter, in case you were left wondering.
